The anxiety has been building all week. I feel it in my bones. The more I want to share with you the tighter my stomach becomes. I want to run and hide, I want to stay away from the truth.
Fear grips us all at some point. For me it usually occurs after a sequence of events and I begin to feel it physically at first. My heart races, thoughts run wild and my head feels like it's spinning out of control. I begin to envision my husband leaving me, our family breaking apart, or someone close to me dying.
Why does this happen?
I take a deep breath, step back and review my actions to find the root of this fear. What have I been doing lately to cause my mind to become a battlefield?
I've been sharing my personal story with the world and living out my God-Sized Dream of encouraging other women.
I've been adjusting quite well to our move and God has been opening many doors that I didn't know existed.
Our family is spending quality time together and the broken pieces of our pasts are being healed.
I'm joining with other women to spread the gospel online and in my new community.
Our lives are becoming normal.
And then it hits me.
Satan does not like restoration. He hates when we are happy, settled and thankful. He wants to be in the middle of our beautiful mess making it worse. Those moments when I rejoice in wonder and gratefulness is when he slips in and feed me the lies I fear the most.
"You are nothing Sarah, this won't last."
"The women you are connecting with do not really value you."
"Does your husband really love you?"
"She's just saying that to be nice, she really doesn't care about your pain."
"Shouldn't you always have your guard up? You never know when something will fall apart."
Then I'm reminded of God's warning:
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.1Peter 5:8
He's walking in circles around me waiting for the right moment to destroy the fragile places where my heart is being rebuilt.
I take a deep breath and wipe away the tears from my tired eyes. I begin to say verses in my head, scribble them on bits of paper or speak them out loud.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies and your right hand delivers me.Psalm 138:7
Then I remember the lies are just that, lies. I do not have to be prisoner of them any longer.
I can take them to the footsteps of Jesus and let go.