Go
As I watch all the families walk in those big doors of my church I feel left behind. I don't have the husband to hold the door, the father to help me drop everyone off, or the person to hold my hand during worship.
While I push the double stroller with my little redhead beside me I wonder why I'm doing all of this.
"Why did this happen to me? I'm not supposed to be a single mother, taking care of three children under four. Life is not supposed to be this hard."
These thoughts roll around in my head while I try to keep moving forward. My heart aches with frustration and desperation for someone to help, to care, to notice that I'm doing this alone.
I feel the weight of my responsibilities sit so heavily on my shoulders. I carry with me these three precious souls who did nothing wrong but were abandoned just like me.
We forge ahead as a family unit but I feel as though we are missing a vital piece. My pulse quickens as I see couples holding hands, whispering to each other, and making their way into the sanctuary.
I'm in God's house but I've never felt so small before. I've never experienced the pain of not feeling alive in a place so full of redemption and rebirth. *Tweet This*
Then I look up and see someone smiling at me. It's a friend from long ago. She gives me a bear hug and says how proud she is of me for walking this hard road, for loving my children so much, and for not forgetting the God who has everything under control.
We walk into worship together and soon I forget how I felt before. I feel alive and thankful to have another day with my children.
I don't feel small anymore.
Stop
*This particular moment occurred about three years ago. I'm so grateful for my life and where I am today. Memories like this make me appreciate Bryan even more.
Joining Lisa Jo Baker and other amazing ladies for Five Minute Friday. We write to share our voices. No editing, no major planning, we share what's on our hearts.
Also linking with Essential Thing Devotions and Simply Helping Him
girl! I have been there. And it isn't easy. And often times the pain outweighs any good. But you are teaching your children to carry on and to take it to the Lord! Church is hard as a single woman. But you have won half the battle---you are still going. I will keep you in my prayers! <3
ReplyDeleteFriend...God is using you and your words in this community. Someday I'd like to connect you with my best friend...she's walking the road you just described, and I think you could be such an encouragement to her. I'll send her to your blog for sure. :) Thank you for your raw honesty in your posts...it just makes His picture of redemption in your life so much more beautiful. Hugs and happy Friday, friend! :)
ReplyDelete'I'm in God's house but I've never felt so small before.' uffda. Is that ever a line. I am just meeting you (this is @anna_r from the #fmfparty), but I'll be back to see your story unfold.
ReplyDeleteSomeday, I will hug you in person! You are so brave, and so strong, dear friend. Sometimes church is the place I feel the smallest, and I'm so glad you felt the love of your friend. You have such powerful words, and I can't wait to see where God is going to take you!!
ReplyDeleteI remember those small feelings during the deployment. I know it's not at all the same, but similar. So thankful for God's healing for you and your littles, for the man He brought into your life, and for the peace and love He has given to you in friendships! You are such a sweet woman, Sarah, and I am so thankful to know you!!!
ReplyDeleteNot single anymore :)
ReplyDeleteIt was hard Casey. Thankfully I am no longer in that position, as my hubby points out in the comment below :) I pray for single moms so often and that their hearts will be healed from the pain and trauma that I know they experience. Thank you for coming back to read. I value your insight.
ReplyDeleteOOPS! sorry :) I regret that my kids had to endure that, but I always pray that it helps them see what is healthy and is not before they commit to someone with marriage in mind. Hugs and happy FMF!
ReplyDeleteLove this story! Feelings that stir - no matter how big or small. I tweeted your amazing quote. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteYou are completely right Casey. I do not want my children focusing on the past but I do want them to have a healthy perspective of what can happen when we let emotions take over and we don't listen to that still small voice.
ReplyDeleteHappy FMF to you too!!
Great story of a difficult road that you've been on. Thank you for sharing it today.
ReplyDelete"Your beginning will seem so small, since your future will fourish." Job 8:7
Thank you for that beautiful verse!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the laugh tonight during #fmfparty. You will always be my logging friend!!
xoxoxo
Oh Mel, my heart was beating so fast as I typed this out. I pray for other mothers who are hurting and trying to keep their families together. Thank you for the encouragement, so very glad we are #blogsisters!
ReplyDeleteAnna, the truth is usually the most eye opening. Thank you so much for reading and I'm glad we met tonight!
ReplyDeleteYou got that right Marcy, we will meet in person one day! Thank you, thank you, thank you for the compliments. Sharing this is so hard but so freeing. Love you sweet friend!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Vanessa. Just when I think I have nothing to say FMF comes around and I'm like a gushing pipe that's busted open. Thanks for reading!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Alene!!
ReplyDeleteSo thankful that you don't feel small now and that God has brought that you someone to share life with. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteYour bravery as you walked through this valley and now as you write about it is not only going to be lessons for your kids but also lessons for us/the church. To teach us to look at others with the eyes of God so that no one is made to feel small. Thank you for so honestly sharing with us.
ReplyDeleteSarah, my heart aches for you. I wish I could give you a hug. You are amazing. Have a blessed weekend. Tara.
ReplyDeleteNever a single mom but a frequent solo church attender with four kids. There truly is no better way to explain it other than a feeling of smallness in such a "big" facility. It is a building of worship and I know that God who is so much BIGGER is moving us to be closer to him. Way to be brave and do it alone when it was so hard friend!
ReplyDeleteYou don't need me to say it again, but I have walked this road. Love that God put that friend right where you needed her!
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah
ReplyDeleteI walk with you dear one, even just in my heart for I know you are not walking an easy road. Your dependance on our Pappa bring hope and joy to mu heart.
Love to you XX
Mia
Thank you Mia. The road is long but full of miracles and grace. Thank you for visiting!
ReplyDeleteMe too Kim, God knows our needs and how important community is even when we think we are invisible right in its midst.
ReplyDeleteBravery came with putting one foot in front of the other and often just pushing through the moment. I have such reservations about sharing all of these moments that string my past together but I know it's on my heart to share with others and give those single moms a voice. Thank you for reading!
ReplyDeleteTara, a hug is sometimes the best medicine for a breaking heart. Thank you for reading! And please do not ache for me now, God has done so much. I share to show His love and how we've gone through tremendous circumstances...and survived!
ReplyDeleteAmy, my heart was racing as I typed this out. I don't fit the regular old mold of a Christian mom (in my eyes I don't), but I fit perfectly into the hearts God so badly wants to heal and redeem. This is just one part of that journey. Thank you for reading!
ReplyDeleteMe too Barbie!!! Thank you for stopping by!
ReplyDeleteYour strength is inspiring. Thank you for sharing what must have been a difficult story. I hope you find comfort and strength knowing that sharing your struggles could very well save the life of another woman in need. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteThat's why I do this Andrea, so those women who are battling it out everyday can know they are not alone. Thank you for your words and for reading today!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a powerful post! Thank you for being transparent and encouraging. It's so lovely that you went to church regardless of your circumstances and God used your friend to encourage you right where you were. God bless you and those beautiful little children you have:).
ReplyDeleteThank you for those words Sarah. They so ring true in my very own heart in this season. It is always a blessing to have the reminder that you are not the only one who has walked something and that your feelings have been felt by others as well.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the hurt and pain you experienced, and I'm so happy God redeemed that for you with Bryan. This is such a great reminder that there are so many people hurting within the church walls. Thank you for being so transparent so that others don't feel alone in their pain!
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah, I have so been there. With a five-year old and seven-year old in tow. How wonderful that we both found grace and mercy in a church family!
ReplyDeleteThe lessons from your time in the valley are so important - and I admire the honesty with which you write. You will be able to reach, touch, and bless so many - having walked there before them. It's a blessing to read that you have been redeemed in so many ways, and that you have found love again. Your strength and beauty shine through.
ReplyDeleteSo glad we got to connect at the FMFParty! Shine on, friend!
wow! beautiful post. and yes sometimes there are things that we don't expect in our life but they happen anyway and God will carry us through them.
ReplyDeleteJessica
http://mybeautifulli.blogspot.com/
Thank you for visiting Jessica. There is always a plan in motion even if we are unaware!
ReplyDeleteThank you Rebekah!! So glad we met too!!
ReplyDeleteYes Holly, we are blessed. So glad that we have met and can encourage one another!
ReplyDeleteEva, our world is filled with so much hurt and then there is the One who can heal it all. Thank you for reading!
ReplyDeleteYou have been on my mind this week Kimberly. I am praying God meets you right where you are and feels you peace and comfort. Please email me if you'd like to talk!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jennifer. Sometimes I didn't want to go of the reasons above. There was a time when I turned away. But even then God was working in my heart. Thank you for reading!!
ReplyDeletelovely post. Just lovely. I am walking that path - the single mama path. Gives me hope to see your journey.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! And I adore those times at church when we rally around those who need family... love that you have painted the picture so well I can see it and feel it. Can't want till Sunday! And next Friday, of course!
ReplyDelete-Heather
Sarah, I was so moved to read this post. It's such an important reminder to understand the emphasis we place on couples and families in churches and how we can make single parents feel excluded and like they don't fit in.
ReplyDeleteI pray that we all become better at supporting, befriending, welcoming and loving those in our churches who are in this hard position.
Thanks for sharing at Essential Fridays.
Blessings,
Mel from Essential Thing Devotions
Thank you so much Sarah :) I will do that.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Mel. It is very easy for people to slip by others unnoticed when they don't fit the "norm." Thanks so much for stopping by to read, I appreciate your comments!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Heather, I'm so glad you visited. Our personal stories can be so powerful if we let them. Thank you for visiting!
ReplyDeleteJen, please feel free to email me if you'd like to talk. So glad you came by to read!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. You write with a rare mix of strength and vulnerability. Thank you for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the compliment Erin, I am taken aback by your words. So glad you came to read today!
ReplyDelete